Dev Spencer Quinn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
the_sexy_quinn) wrote2009-03-03 11:52 am
the_sexy_quinn) wrote2009-03-03 11:52 am
Entry tags:
Freestyling - Journal
Diary entry
I was wrong about Richard. Why was I so quick to believe that I meant nothing to him after the night we spent together? Why did I immediately assume the worst? I think it's because I'm expecting to be let down since I've let so many others down over the years. Payback's a bitch and I'm just waiting for my bill to come due. I have no idea how it might happen. God, if anything happened to me and Tom, I think I'd die. I love him so much. I can't screw this up because losing him over some shitty thing I did would really tear my world apart. I don't trust myself not to hurt him. It's the last thing in the world I want to do but what if there's something inately wrong with me that makes me wake up one day and tell him it's over? I can't see it happening. I don't want it to happen. But I've done it so much in the past. I always thought it was because I didn't love those people - I didn't. I do love Tom - but what if I'm just an asshole? Look at what I did to Richard for absolutely no reason!
I don't know if I should tell Tom I'm scared. He would understand, he would comfort me and listen to all of my fears, but what if I plant a seed of doubt and he decides I'm not worth the risk? That other guy really did a number on him. If I could meet him and give him a piece of my mind, I would. But then that might hurt Tom and I don't want to do that. I want to find a way to prove to both him and myself that I'm not going anywhere.
I was wrong about Richard. Why was I so quick to believe that I meant nothing to him after the night we spent together? Why did I immediately assume the worst? I think it's because I'm expecting to be let down since I've let so many others down over the years. Payback's a bitch and I'm just waiting for my bill to come due. I have no idea how it might happen. God, if anything happened to me and Tom, I think I'd die. I love him so much. I can't screw this up because losing him over some shitty thing I did would really tear my world apart. I don't trust myself not to hurt him. It's the last thing in the world I want to do but what if there's something inately wrong with me that makes me wake up one day and tell him it's over? I can't see it happening. I don't want it to happen. But I've done it so much in the past. I always thought it was because I didn't love those people - I didn't. I do love Tom - but what if I'm just an asshole? Look at what I did to Richard for absolutely no reason!
I don't know if I should tell Tom I'm scared. He would understand, he would comfort me and listen to all of my fears, but what if I plant a seed of doubt and he decides I'm not worth the risk? That other guy really did a number on him. If I could meet him and give him a piece of my mind, I would. But then that might hurt Tom and I don't want to do that. I want to find a way to prove to both him and myself that I'm not going anywhere.