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Freestyling - Journal
Mar. 3rd, 2009 11:52 amDiary entry
I was wrong about Richard. Why was I so quick to believe that I meant nothing to him after the night we spent together? Why did I immediately assume the worst? I think it's because I'm expecting to be let down since I've let so many others down over the years. Payback's a bitch and I'm just waiting for my bill to come due. I have no idea how it might happen. God, if anything happened to me and Tom, I think I'd die. I love him so much. I can't screw this up because losing him over some shitty thing I did would really tear my world apart. I don't trust myself not to hurt him. It's the last thing in the world I want to do but what if there's something inately wrong with me that makes me wake up one day and tell him it's over? I can't see it happening. I don't want it to happen. But I've done it so much in the past. I always thought it was because I didn't love those people - I didn't. I do love Tom - but what if I'm just an asshole? Look at what I did to Richard for absolutely no reason!
I don't know if I should tell Tom I'm scared. He would understand, he would comfort me and listen to all of my fears, but what if I plant a seed of doubt and he decides I'm not worth the risk? That other guy really did a number on him. If I could meet him and give him a piece of my mind, I would. But then that might hurt Tom and I don't want to do that. I want to find a way to prove to both him and myself that I'm not going anywhere.
I was wrong about Richard. Why was I so quick to believe that I meant nothing to him after the night we spent together? Why did I immediately assume the worst? I think it's because I'm expecting to be let down since I've let so many others down over the years. Payback's a bitch and I'm just waiting for my bill to come due. I have no idea how it might happen. God, if anything happened to me and Tom, I think I'd die. I love him so much. I can't screw this up because losing him over some shitty thing I did would really tear my world apart. I don't trust myself not to hurt him. It's the last thing in the world I want to do but what if there's something inately wrong with me that makes me wake up one day and tell him it's over? I can't see it happening. I don't want it to happen. But I've done it so much in the past. I always thought it was because I didn't love those people - I didn't. I do love Tom - but what if I'm just an asshole? Look at what I did to Richard for absolutely no reason!
I don't know if I should tell Tom I'm scared. He would understand, he would comfort me and listen to all of my fears, but what if I plant a seed of doubt and he decides I'm not worth the risk? That other guy really did a number on him. If I could meet him and give him a piece of my mind, I would. But then that might hurt Tom and I don't want to do that. I want to find a way to prove to both him and myself that I'm not going anywhere.
Freestyling - journal
Feb. 14th, 2009 12:19 amDiary entry
Now I know how it felt for all of those people to be ignored by me after I had my fun with them. It sucks. I'm such an idiot for believing the things a lover said to me. People say all sorts of shit when they're fucking, so what made me think that anything that came out of his mouth was true? It's all payback for the way I lied and screwed over people in the past, I know it. I deserve it. And it's not like I can talk to Tom about this because I don't want him to think that I want someone else. I don't. I just don't like thinking that a friend who pretty much has all the control over when I can see him chooses to just dump me after saying all these really awesome things to me. I hear absolutely nothing after he said all this shit about hooking up with me and Tom and then I find out he's taken up with some flower child. Unbelievable. Whatever. Like I said, it's payback for years of me being an asshole to other people, I know. I just hate that I let that piece of shit hurt my feelings like this. I'm usually a better judge of character.
And now I feel better for venting and it's done.
Now I know how it felt for all of those people to be ignored by me after I had my fun with them. It sucks. I'm such an idiot for believing the things a lover said to me. People say all sorts of shit when they're fucking, so what made me think that anything that came out of his mouth was true? It's all payback for the way I lied and screwed over people in the past, I know it. I deserve it. And it's not like I can talk to Tom about this because I don't want him to think that I want someone else. I don't. I just don't like thinking that a friend who pretty much has all the control over when I can see him chooses to just dump me after saying all these really awesome things to me. I hear absolutely nothing after he said all this shit about hooking up with me and Tom and then I find out he's taken up with some flower child. Unbelievable. Whatever. Like I said, it's payback for years of me being an asshole to other people, I know. I just hate that I let that piece of shit hurt my feelings like this. I'm usually a better judge of character.
And now I feel better for venting and it's done.
Freestyling - poetry journal
Oct. 20th, 2008 02:13 amscarlet warmth blasting
pounding in chambers
ceaseless but not careless
pearly white indications
of eager motions
ignited not frozen
you
flurries of pulse
bending
me
crashes of breath
folding
the two
depleted
pounding in chambers
ceaseless but not careless
pearly white indications
of eager motions
ignited not frozen
you
flurries of pulse
bending
me
crashes of breath
folding
the two
depleted
Freestyling - poetry notebook
May. 27th, 2008 04:04 pm[private]
An anti-lovenote:
This thing
This void you call my heart
Is nothing more than a figment of your imagination
If it existed
You believe you'd be living there
If it were real
You think it would hold you dear
In a word: pathetic
In a thought: irrelevant
Do not mistake want for need
Or a lover's touch for caring
If I had a heart
It would not belong to you
An anti-lovenote:
This thing
This void you call my heart
Is nothing more than a figment of your imagination
If it existed
You believe you'd be living there
If it were real
You think it would hold you dear
In a word: pathetic
In a thought: irrelevant
Do not mistake want for need
Or a lover's touch for caring
If I had a heart
It would not belong to you
[ooc: Dev works as a bookseller in a chain bookstore.]
Because the managers make us fill out these stupid cards every month (as if customers really care what a bunch of underpaid pseudo intellectual burnouts think about new releases), I am forced to write a blurb of suitable length and enthusiasm on the card you're currently reading.
It is my opinion that Madonna has surpassed the previous genius of her last children's book by giving us this masterpiece of kid lit. I laughed, I cried, it changed my life. No, really, I'm getting choked up thinking about it. I don't even like children and yet now I find myself wanting to knock up some willing female just so I can read this story to the product of our union.
You MUST buy this book!!!! Or not. I still get paid either way.
Because the managers make us fill out these stupid cards every month (as if customers really care what a bunch of underpaid pseudo intellectual burnouts think about new releases), I am forced to write a blurb of suitable length and enthusiasm on the card you're currently reading.
It is my opinion that Madonna has surpassed the previous genius of her last children's book by giving us this masterpiece of kid lit. I laughed, I cried, it changed my life. No, really, I'm getting choked up thinking about it. I don't even like children and yet now I find myself wanting to knock up some willing female just so I can read this story to the product of our union.
You MUST buy this book!!!! Or not. I still get paid either way.
Freestyling - Birthday card note
May. 16th, 2008 01:05 pmSadie,
Happy birthday, brat!. Bet you thought I'd forget. Like I really want to give you the satisfaction of bitching about me to your friends. They might be some of the meanest mean girls I've ever met, but I've gotta love them because they all have crushes on me. Why would I tarnish the image by being a less than perfect brother? Unless you've already told them about the iPod incident of 2005. (I didn't really think Oober would eat it - that should count for something. Come on. You really need to forgive and forget).
Hope you hit up Mom and Dad for cash this year. If you get/got it, spend some of it and fly out to visit me. Now that you're Sweet Sixteen (talk about your misnomers), you might finally be cool enough to hang out with me.
Okay. Enough abuse. I hope you have an awesome day and really do come out here!
Miss you.
Love you lots,
D
Happy birthday, brat!. Bet you thought I'd forget. Like I really want to give you the satisfaction of bitching about me to your friends. They might be some of the meanest mean girls I've ever met, but I've gotta love them because they all have crushes on me. Why would I tarnish the image by being a less than perfect brother? Unless you've already told them about the iPod incident of 2005. (I didn't really think Oober would eat it - that should count for something. Come on. You really need to forgive and forget).
Hope you hit up Mom and Dad for cash this year. If you get/got it, spend some of it and fly out to visit me. Now that you're Sweet Sixteen (talk about your misnomers), you might finally be cool enough to hang out with me.
Okay. Enough abuse. I hope you have an awesome day and really do come out here!
Miss you.
Love you lots,
D
